Where to start I don't know.
I couldn't be happier with Kawa. I honestly love her so much, it makes me feel so much at once, I can't explain it. There's a problem in that tho. I know I can go to her about anything and she'll listen or take it in. But I'm getting so fucking frustrated with everything around us, that I feel that I'm just taking way too much out on her, and I hate it. I want control of things around me, but I have no grip at all. My car for instance. It's shot to shit, and the empty offers from my bastard of a father have left me mind fucked once again. And, here I take the abuse, promising myself a long time ago that I would never do that to someone I love or care about. And here I fucking go, a lot of the times. I go off it seems like. I can't get control of the frustration inside me. I have no outlet, and I NEED ONE. I've posted before that sports used to be it, but I need a release, and bad. I will ruin what's between the greatest person I've had in my life for some time. I have vowed never to become that man. I have vowed to work hard on those I love and care about. Maybe I'm not used to having someone stick it out, but it's not fair to her or our relationship. This is baggage that should have been handled a few years ago. My mistakes, unfortunately, are creeping up on my all at once in the last few months. Perfect timing, huh.
Maybe it's because I feel I have to rush certain things. Wanting a life outside of help isn't too much to ask for. I often looked at it as me trying to gain my independence from needing people. I often just ask myself "when the fuck will things fall into place?" I mean, I have a relationship I never thought I would have. I finally have a job, not an excellent one, but a job. We're working on moving out. But, why do I still try to rush things? Why do I not feel content with it all? I wish I had those answers.
I'm just so frustrated. And, I can't take it out on her anymore. I will lose her, there's only so much someone can take. I have to work on that. And I'm trying, but apparently not hard enough. It just eats me up inside. The thoughts of not succeeding, or why things just don't seem to fit. And then I have to stop and think "is this even worth getting worked up about?" Cause most of it is never worth it. But I do anyways. It seems so trivial half of the time. I get some of my friends right now, I do. We're all trying to figure our lives out, trying to see the bigger picture. Trying to get away, figure things out, find what makes us happy. I need a break sometimes. I feel the need to run away. But mainly, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, and just release.
I really want to say what's on my mind. I can't stand you dad and Barb, in fact it border lines HATE! Fuck this job! Fuck this bullshit! I don't want help. I want to get away for a while. JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Kind of scary, and I don't feel like this all the time, just lately, as things just keep building. Like the game Jenga. Push that wrong block, and it tumbles to the ground. For me, it's push the wrong button, and I'll just go nuts. I just want to focus on what's good still. My friends, my wonderful girlfriend, and the decent life that we're all leading.
I'll admit this too. I miss my talks with Joe. I miss being with the group as well. And tonight, I had fun. I got to talk about the past a bit, and it felt nice. I'm greatful for Matt this summer. I don't think I've told him, so I'm going to leave it public so he can read if he likes to, but Thanks a lot for this summer, you really are a great friend. I don't want to loose touch with my friends, and sometimes I feel I'm losing it. They're like a second family to me, or my first. They are my family. I couldn't ask for more drama, laughs or concerns...and I need to be there more. Thanks again. And for them, it makes it easier not to totally lose it, because in the end, I have to realize I am lucky. And, also, that I have a fantastic girlfriend that I love to high Hell. And I feel better because of it.